"OLD" is when your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door

"OLD" is when going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" is when "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" is when "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" is when "all nighter" means not getting up to potty !

Ernie paints cow warning signs for a living

---

So many RVers are on the road today that an entire new industry has sprung up to meet the demand -- RV park food. Watch out McDonalds!

His wish was granted
There was an RVer named Art from Portland, Ore., who stumbled upon a Genie in a bottle who granted him one wish. Art said, "I want to explore the big island of Hawaii in my motorhome, but I can't afford to send it there by ship. So my wish is that you to build a road from the coast of Oregon to Hawaii." The Genie replied, "I'm sorry, but that is too difficult. The length and the depth of the ocean would make that task impossible, even for a Genie like me. So you must make another wish." Art quickly replied, "Okay, I never could understand women. I want to know 'How do they think and what do they really want?'" The Genie paused for a moment, deep in thought, and then replied, "Do you want that two lanes or four?"

The RVer's fishy story

An RVer named Stanley was stopped recently by a game warden in Northern California as he was returning to his Roadtrek motorhome with a bucket full of still-alive fish. "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" the game warden asked. The man replied, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" the warden asked. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake where I'm camped and let them swim around for awhile. When they hear my whistle, they jump right back into the bucket and I take them back to the motorhome."

"That's a bunch of baloney," the game warden said as he reached for his pad of citations. The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "If you don't believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works."

Still suspicious, but curious, the game warden agreed. And so they walked to the lake. There, the man poured the fish into the water, where they disappeared. "Okay," said the game warden. "Call them back."

"Call who back?"

"The fish," replied the warden.

"What fish?" asked the man.

Yeah, "You da Van!"

His time was up

An elderly  RVing couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary with a party at their fifth wheel trailer. Arriving guests noticed that the old man was crying, and found his overwhelming emotion touching.

The wife, too, noticed. "Why are you crying?" she asked.

'"Do you remember the night we were kissing on your parents' front porch?" he asked.

"Yes, dear," she replied. "I'll never forget it." Dad came outside and told me to get inside immediately."

"Well, after you went inside, your dad told me that I had three choices about you. He reminded me that he was the judge in town and that he could kill me and get away with it . Or, he said, he could send me to jail for 50 years. He said my third choice was to marry you."

"I see," said his wife. "But why are you crying now?"

The man began to sob. And then, gaining his composure, he said, "I'd be getting out today."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson went on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep. An hour later, Holmes woke up his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions of stars".   

"What does that tell you?" asked Holmes. Watson pondered a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past one. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a moment, and then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Nasty bikers and the RVer

Imagine three of the nastiest outlaw bikers you've ever seen or heard of, all riding shiny chromed-chopped Harleys with dinky gas tanks. These are the kind of guys that give motorcycling a bad name. They stink, their hair is unkempt, their clothes are greasy, and they're rude.

Anyway, three such desperados pull into a roadside cafe where there's no one there except a RVer and a waitress. They decide to have some fun with the RVer, so they put on their most trucculent sneers and walk up to his table.

The first one dips his finger into the man's coffee, stirs it a bit and puts the finger in his mouth and pronounces "This is lousy coffee".

The next one picks up the RVer's soup bowl, sniffs it, spits into it and says, "This is lousy soup".

The last one picks up the RVer's hamburger, squeezes it to a pulp and announces "This is a lousy hamburger".

The RVer quietly gets up, politely pays his bill and walks out. The lead desperado turns to the waitress and says "That guy ain't much of a man, is he?"

The waitress pauses and deadpans "He ain't much of a driver either ... he just backed over three motorcycles on his way out of here."

Guaranteed privacy

To get away from their high-stress jobs, a couple decided to spend weekends relaxing in their motor home. But after finding their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

Men don't listen

A man was driving his motorhome along a narrow country road when a woman in a black Cadillac approached in the opposite direction. As they passed, the woman yelled out her window, "PIG!" Ignoring what he considered to be rude behavior, the man continued driving. As he pulled around the next bend, however, in the middle of his lane stood a big, fat pig. Unable to stop fast enough, the RV slammed into the pig sending it flying, killing it instantly. The motorhome was a bloody mess, too, with considerable body damage. 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Men never listen!
Submitted by a woman

A message from beyond. . .

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same RV park where they spent their 15th wedding anniversary a decade earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel dates. So, the husband left Minnesota alone with their fifth wheel trailer. His wife would fly to join him the day after his arrival.

The husband checked into the RV park. To his surprise and delight there was a cyber cafe next to the recreation room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, in doing so, he accidentally mis-typed one letter in her email address

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had died of a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the message on the computer screen:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

The mechanic and the heart surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a class ‘A’ motorhome when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his RV when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey doc, can I ask  you  a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorhome. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."