Two RVers, a Good Sam member named Bill and his brother-in-law Eddie Johnson, were paddling a kayak on Lake Mishikaka, trying to buy a little time away from their nagging wives, who were ordering them to dump their stinky holding tanks.

But the kayaking wasn't going well, because the guys had left their coats back in their motorhomes. And so, with each stroke of the paddle, Bill and Eddie were getting colder and colder. "Man, I'm nearly freezing!" said Bill, who was shivering so hard his false teeth rattlled so loudly you could hear them a half-mile away at the Lake Mishikaka Bait Shop, which was next door to the Lake Mishikaka Bakery, which people drove to from miles around to buy Ann Billsbury's famed jelly donuts.

In a stroke of what Eddie perceived as brilliance, based, unfortunately, on his limited intelligence, he decided to build a fire right there on the floor of the boat. "Then we will be very warm," he said. Well, Bill should have known they were cruisin' for a bruisin' based on Eddie's past -- a high school dropout who left school his sophomore year to marry the former Penny Zabouski, his sweetheart since second grade and the vice-president of the Eleanor Valley High School Future Sheep Breeders of America Club. Still, Bill was so cold he was willling to go along with Eddie's plan. "Okay, Eddie, go ahead and build the fire, said Bill, a Winnebago Brave owner from Harrison, Idaho, whose claim to fame was that his grandfather, Stanley Garfield-Hapsteader, was the inventor of the American version of the English muffin. And so Eddie built a small fire, sacrificing one of the paddles in the effort, a silly thing to do, but proving that when you are cold you will do just about anything to get warm.

Alas, those on shore witnessing this misguided effort were horrified as the flames built and then abruptly stopped as the kayak nosedived into frigid Lake Mishikaka, leaving Bill and Eddie floating like rag dolls and so cold that their normally rosy red cheeks were blue as the lake itself.

What this story illustrates, of course, is that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

So here's the plan: In the morning, feed your kids hot dogs and beans. Lots of beans. LOTS OF BEANS!!! Then, at lunch, fuel up the Minnie Winnie at this service station. Then park the rig and haul the stinkin' kids inside. It'll be real obvious to management that the youngers are full of gas. Which means, "THEY EAT FREE!" Good plan, huh?

Moonlighting

An RVer in a motorhome got hopelessly bogged down in an unexpected muddy hole along a dirt road. After a few minutes, a passing farmer drove by on his tractor and offered to pull him out for only $20. After the motorhome was back on dry ground, the RVer said to the farmer, "At those prices, I bet you're pulling vehicles out of this mud day and night."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Mad full-timers!

A newly retired couple from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, Mildred and Art Stutmeyer, were wrapping up their third month of full-time RVing, driving down a lonely two-lane back road near Yuba City, California. But it wasn't a happy day, because they were steaming mad at each other. Their nerves were really on edge, probably because they had opted for a 24-foot fifth wheel trailer instead of one with more space, and the close quarters were driving them both batty! For example, Art kept getting mad at Mildred for leaving her socks on the dresser. And Mildred was equally bothered by Art's constant belching and the fact that he never even apologized for being so disgusting.

The silence in their Ford pickup truck was deafening. It seemed they had argued for an hour. But now, only silence. "It wasn't supposed to be like this," Mildred said to herself, holding back tears. Art, frowning, was also deep in thought, thinking, "If only we had bought that 38-footer." Yes, it was a very tense time.

As they drove past a huge barnyard packed fence-to-fence with big, fat, ugly pigs includiing one with tucks, Mildred, who was now about to pop with pent up frustration, just couldn't resist making a sarcastic comment .Pointing to the pigs, she said slyly, "Relatives of yours?"

Art, equally frustrated, stared back at her. "Yeh, they're relatives," he said, "In-laws!"


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